I saw one of the most horrific things I've ever seen the other day. It caused me to consider some of the other horrors I've experienced in my lifetime. I actually made a list in my head today and could tell you right where it's at on it, but I won't. Some of that stuff is too big for this. And it doesn't concern just me. I have to consider my family and I have to consider their feelings. One day though. I will have to.
I was driving from client to client on Saturday, on I-94 approaching an overpass, when I noticed several police cars seemingly strewn from afar, but in an orderly fashion, both above and below, and both before and after the bridge. I looked up, seconds before driving underneath, to see a young man on the other side of the guard rail, being talked to by police officers. He looked young, maybe even in his teens. He was holding onto the fence as I drove under, his back to the traffic below. I instantly burst into tears. I had to keep driving. I voice texted Kelsey. I don't text and drive. I promised my mom. I could barely get the words out. I just kept crying. I don't pray and I prayed. "Please don't jump." I wanted to yell out to him, "Live!", "Don't do it!" Anything I could think of that could possibly make him change his mind. I had time. I saw him with enough time. But I didn't. I could have startled him or he could have misheard me. I could have hit the car in front of me, not paying attention. I had to keep driving. I got to the gym and immediately got on my phone, looking for information. Did he jump? Please tell me he didn't jump. After three days, there's been nothing in the news. They must have gotten him somehow, in some way. THANK GOD.
If you've never heard the saying about suicide that says, "Suicide doesn't end the pain, it just passes it on to someone else," you need to read it again. Read it again and again, and then pass it on to your friends. Tell your kids. Them them to tell their friends. Put it on your Facebook or your Instagram, or write a song about it. There is nothing in this world that you can do to your loved ones that is worse than taking your own life. I know this. My family knows this. I have friends who know this and their kids know this, too. Do you know that suicide doesn't always look like you think? It's not always doing one final thing that ends it. Sometimes, it's gradual. Some people drink themselves to death or even eat themselves into their grave. Some just live so destructively. I have made so many decisions, so many times, in the heat of the moment that I've regretted later on. Some of those times, I didn't even decide, I just reacted and did things or said things that I couldn't take back. I am so fucking thankful to have never personally struggled with suicidal thoughts. I know this sounds crazy, but I think I always loved my mom too much. Some of my earliest memories are of her in such pain after my aunt was killed, and I never wanted to see her hurt like that again. I sure as hell never wanted to be the cause of it. I have, however, lived destructively. I am not sure I was ever doing it intentionally. I was one of those young people who thought I was indestructible, really. That and I wanted attention I'm sure. But that's not what this is about for most people. Don't assume they only want attention. Check in on your loved ones. Care for your friends. Show them you love them and that they aren't alone. You aren't either! When I was working for WMU, I meant some wonderful students. One of my favorite gals just got a job at Gryphon Place. She is kind and you can trust her. There are so many people like her out there. If you or someone you love is struggling with thoughts of suicide, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, 24 HOURS A DAY! Don't pass on the pain. The pain will pass! Thank you for reading. Live. Peace and love.
-Steph
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