I've spent most of this week preparing for a presentation on exercise and its benefits, specifically for people who have or are at risk for diabetes. For this reason, I've not been able to blog or do anything. I'm kind of kidding, but realistically, my anxiety disorder causes me to shut down in a way, when I'm under a lot of stress. Maybe "shut down" is not the right way to say it. I would say I spread myself less thin when there's something big at stake. Ordinarily, I'm super flexible with my time, professionally. That's something I'm working on actually - but to be less flexible. My time matters and I'm realizing that now. It's time others learn that as well. So yeah, when I have a big project coming up, or an event or something of the like, I tend to zone my focus in on that. I will keep less tidy of a house or forget to pay a bill. It will slip my mind to phone a friend or message someone back. These are things I am on top of typically. I do still shower and brush my teeth. I'm not an animal. And I suggest you do the same. I don't care how busy you are. Start there. Clean body, clean mouth, clean clothes. Especially if you work with me, and especially if you work with me at the restaurant. I will never understand how people with such horrific hygiene and repugnant body odor can keep jobs in an industry where food is being handled. I understand that there are conditions that cause people to have a less than pleasant smell, and I get that not everyone has a washer and dryer at home, but more often than not, it's lack of care. I'm no expert on this topic, but I am however, extremely sensitive to bad smells, especially that of an unwashed body. Ask my friends. I'm a freak about it. I'm not proud of it either. As a Personal Trainer, I would like to be more resilient to such things, but alas, I gag. Tell me to breathe through my mouth and it will make it worse. Because then I swear I can taste them too. OK, too far. Moving on.
All week, I've been nervous about this presentation. My mind has been playing tricks on me. "You don't know what you're talking about. You don't know enough. You don't have an outfit for this." You name it, if it's silly and self-doubting, I thought it. I bet a lot of people, especially people who don't know me personally, but maybe from social media or from work - I bet a lot of people think I'm much more self-confident than I actually am. I think we're all like that. Some of us are better at hiding our weaknesses and our hangups about them. Some are absolutely terrible and should try a little harder at withholding here and there. I've mentioned Ram Dass before, and how he has become a guru to me. In his book called Polishing The Mirror, he writes of the Indian epic the Ramayana, a saga of God having taken physical form as a warrior prince, in hopes to guide humanity and strengthen the faith of the people. One of the main characters in the Ramayana is Hanuman, the monkey god, who is the loyal servant and devotee of the warrior prince, who is called Ram. Before I get into what Hanuman did for Ram, it's important that I first tell you a little bit about him. According to Ram Dass, when Hanuman was a young monkey, he got into some mischief, disturbing a yogi. Since that time, he has been under a curse for his actions, that causes him to have no idea of his power. Did I mention he has all the power in the universe? But he has no clue. He's completely unaware of his strengths. He lives only to serve God. So what does he do? Back to Ram. His wife, Sita, was kidnapped by Ravana, who is a demon king. Desperate, Ram enlists the help of the monkey and the bears. The chief monkey is Hanuman.
When discussing how they are going to get across the ocean that separates India from Sri Lanka, one of them turns to Hanuman and says to him that he has the power to leap the ocean. Hanuman responds, questioningly, "Oh, I do?" Then he says that, "Yes!", he does have the power to leap the ocean. And then he does. He saves Sita and he saves the day.
I am drawn to this story because of how full of self-doubt I am sometimes - because of how full of self doubt we all are sometimes. There are times when it really does take someone else to snap us out of it - to remind us of our strengths and our skills. We forget our worth. We forget what we're made of and what we can do. That is how I felt preparing for this presentation. I've done over twenty radio interviews on fitness and wellness. I've made three television appearances on the topic, and I've worked with dozens and dozens of clients - and I've helped them too. I've helped friends through hard times and gotten through them myself. I bought a house. That's really cool. I put myself through college. Also cool. I even helped to raise my little sister for a little while. I'm not here to brag, but dammit I gotta stop forgetting how capable I am. And you do, too.
So, the presentation. I don't know why I keep saying "presentation." It's actually two presentations, and I already finished with the first one earlier today. I received enthusiastic and excited feedback from the nurses and staff, as well as from the public. It actually went pretty perfectly. I'm so glad that I was able to recognize that voice in my head and realize that it was full of shit. This has turned out to be quite the entry. In regards to drinking - or not drinking rather - I started to lose steam in the beginning of the week. I had a gin on Monday and a little wine on Tuesday. I didn't have two gins on Monday though, and I didn't drink more than enough on Tuesday. I'm still more mindful. I'm hoping I won't turn that off once this is over. Spiritually speaking, once you open yourself up, it's really difficult to close yourself off again. I'm hoping it will be the same with this awareness and my intentions. Fingers crossed. Thanks for reading. Peace and love.
-Steph
You got it!